Conflict Of Feelings
by LoveLiveLaugh96
Summary: How does a genius deal with being confused? Set after Sherringford I Love You scene. Rating will go up if the story continues.


**Genuine  
**

_**This has been knocking around for a while now, there are follow up chapters, but perhaps it is best left as a one shot. I shall leave you to decide. Enjoy.**_

''You say it first''  
He was in the middle of a storm, a sick game, it was as though every room he walked into held a confession, and like a dial it turned every time he made the right move, getting him more and more lost within himself.  
Oh how his mind palace had been so well organised, he was able to find everything and anything he needed, until now. Answers he never felt he would need, perhaps he had deleted them, or perhaps he never thought of them. Either way her questions, the riddles and puzzles where not a test of his intelligence, they where a test of his life, the people he surrounded himself with, how he felt about them, who he treasured the most. She was catching up on the years she had missed, what sadness she must hold.

He frowned ''What?''

Her answer was almost instant ''Go on, you say it first. Say it like you mean it''

He could see the tears slip down her cheeks, holding the phone close to her face, almost cuddling it as she tried to think away the pain, waiting on tender hooks for his answer.

He was so sure of himself all the time, even when he got it wrong he could talk his way out of it in the end, but this time he had no time, no alternative answer, because somebody very clever was watching and somebody very knowledgeable was listening.  
''I'' He stammered ''I… love you'' He paused, as if tasting those words, feeling the meaning behind them ''I love you'' He said it firmly this time, every inch of emotion he held wrapped into those three words, he never even tried, and he was sure John and Mycroft could hear it. He meant it.

He saw her face change as the words hit her ears, he half expected relief, but instead he received a look of pain. She pulled the phone away from her ear, looking at the screen for a moment. ''Molly'' His tone was etched with fear as she saw what she was about to do ''Molly, please, just say it''

He looked desperately at the timer and his heart began to race, he had done what she asked, was it not enough? Of course, it wasn't enough, because she thought it was fake, his selfish actions in the past created a certain image of him, one he held with such strength to keep people out, emotions where a weakness.

He couldn't make her believe it was true, nothing he said now would make a difference. ''Molly'' He said quietly, her eyes opened again as she brought the phone close to her mouth, tears flowing down her cheeks as she tried to steady her breathing.

''I love you'' She whispered quietly, just loud enough for him to hear. He looked up at the screen, the timer stopped. The phone cut out.  
He ran his hands through his hair, relief washed over him.

Silence ensued as Eurus appeared back on the screen, her face so easy to read at that moment ''What? I did it, I got her to say it, I won!''

She smiled ''Oh don't be silly Sherlock there where no explosives in her little house'' Eurus watched intently as his reactions changed ''Look at what you done to her… you lost''

The screen went blank and the door opened. 

He opened his eyes back to the police lights flashing into the darkness, John looked over to him ''Are you ok?'' He asked, still wrapped in a towel to keep warm.

''Think that's a question I should be asking you'' He replied quietly. Walking past him to get a better view of their now burnt house.  
He should ask really, but his mind was to muddled, far too much to think about to consider general questions at this moment in time. No, he would ask later, when things where more organised.

The car ride was tedious, Greg tried to make conversation, John tried to lighten the mood, it was usually quiet, a taxi would offer Sherlock the silence he required to sift through any details he stored from previous cases, organising them just so in his mind palace. Except this time, he could not. There was far too much to consider, to many facts, to many deductions, trials, tests and emotion. To many people involved and too many died without reason.  
For once his brother had done the right thing, in respect, locking her away from harm, from herself. In 5 minutes, she managed to cause years of damage, an hour would be simply catastrophic. Locking her away from the world was considered the right thing, but locking her away from her family was considered cruel.

''I will ring Molly tomorrow and explain everything'' Greg's voice caught Sherlock's attention, he was speaking to John.

''No'' Sherlock said firmly ''Nobody is to speak to Molly other than me''

''Sherlock she needs to know the truth, she didn't deserve that'' John tried to reason with him

''And I shall tell her'' He replied firmly

John nodded ''Ok, just try to do it… sympathetically'' He offered but received nothing but a roll of the eyes in return.

S&M

He had text her, asking to see her, even he, as shut off from human emotion as he was, understood that texting the Sherringford ordeal would not go down well. He wanted to see her, she couldn't lie to his face, she could over text.

But she had not replied, it had been 4 days now, 4 days of hell, case after case had been solved, Eurus had opened his mind and therefore his ability to deduce things quicker, stating the obvious before the detailed, observing people's reactions and guilt before their actions.  
Nothing had dulled his mind enough to stop thinking about her, about her face when he told her, that pain he saw, she really did mean it, he knew that, but he had to explain.

He had been to Barts, but had been told she was on a planned holiday, not avoiding him from work then. Just in general.  
Going to her home seemed the most logical option, but also the most daunting, he was out of his comfort zone there, nothing to distract him or give him an excuse to ignore her words, to shut himself away from the pain he sometimes felt when she spoke.

She thought so little of herself, that was mainly down to him, he wanted to change that, to prove to her that she was more important than she thought she was.  
''You can see me''  
''I don't count''

He closed his eyes, resting his fingers under his chin as he continued to roll into their conversations, every facial expression she made, every smile, frown or uncomfortable gesture, he noted down, giving every conversation they shared such detail when he needed it the most.

He had to see her.

S&M

He knocked on her door, the biting chill to the air as the night dragged on, winter was here, but it did not dull the cold he felt in his chest, he had never felt such feelings before, he was consumed by them.

It unclicked, presumably a lock, before opening slowly, she was standing there, dressed in a long robe, her hair tied in a bun and her eyes looked red and tired, she had been crying, and by the look on her face it was due to him.  
''What do you want Sherlock?'' She asked, looking down at her feet.

''You didn't answer any of my calls, or texts, you are not at work, what else was I supposed to do?''

''Take the hint?'' She almost snapped, but something stopped her, her voice remained level. ''I cannot do this, not yet, please, just leave'' She went to close the door, but he pushed against it, he refused to leave, not like this.

''Molly I understand you are probably hurting, and as hard as it maybe I would appreciate being let in, it is freezing out here''

Slowly she opened the door, leaving it there as she walked further into her warm house, he stepped inside, closing it gently behind him. He never needed to be clever around her, the truth was all she wanted out of him.

He slowly edged his way into her small house, he supposed, in comparison, it was the perfect size for one person, he liked it very much, coming here as and when he wanted, using it as a bolt hole. It was his preferred one, he never got fed at any of the others.

He saw she had sat back down on her sofa, glass of wine in hand and half a bottle on the table, cork beside it. She took a long drink, placing it back down beside the tissues. He went to say something.

''Don't'' Molly said quickly ''Just don't''

''What?''  
''Don't be clever, don't insult me, don't judge the state of my house or my choice of clothes, you have absolutely no right to be here. So, you do not get a say''

Her words where firm, like a knife stabbing into his chest, she showed no remorse, no regret for her words, she was hurting, probably more than he expected, but then he never understood things like this. ''I came here to explain'' He said quietly

''Explain what exactly?'' She snapped ''You used my feelings as an experiment, a low even you shouldn't have stooped to, it was cold, heartless and sick'' She spat. He saw nothing but hatred in her eyes then.

''Molly if you could just let me explain...''

''Explain what?'' She jumped up now seething ''I do not want to know how important my feelings where to your experiment, how you made some scientific break through thanks to my clear emotional disadvantage, how it helped you solve a case, I just, don't care!''

He could shout back, he could explain to her in full what happened at Sherringford, how his sister put him through some sick maze game with Molly being the title, how it broke him inside because he was regretfully able to admit it was true, he did love her and that his feelings for her where more dangerous being known than not known, because so many people hated him, and would therefore hate her to. That he could never give her what she wanted in a relationship despite him constantly wanting to offer it to her.

It would silence her, but it would also break her, more so than what she was now. ''Why would I say those words?'' He replied quietly, ignoring his screaming mind ''Why would I tell you that I love you if it was an experiment aimed at you?''

''Because you wanted me to say it, that was the deal'' She replied quickly

''Molly, I have one question, just one. And I want you to answer it honestly'' He said carefully

''Go on'' She sighed

''When I told you, that I loved you. Was it believable? Did it sound like I meant it? Did I sound… genuine?''

She looked over his features, was he trying to get confirmation? to conclude his experiment, or was it a genuine question. She couldn't tell anymore, he could play her like he played a violin, plucking each cord whenever he felt like it, and getting the perfect sound.  
''No'' She replied plainly ''No it wasn't, so do not worry Sherlock, your dignity will remain intact'' She bit back the tears.

He took the information in, locking it away for safe keeping as his mind spun with further questions, the compelling urge to explain everything pushed forward, he hesitated, unsure of what to do. Never had his heart and his head been at such war.  
''Sherlock?'' She asked, noticing his change in demeanour, he looked panicked.

He looked over to her, and like the calm after a storm everything settled again. ''I am sorry for disturbing you Molly, and I hope you can forgive me for putting you through such an ordeal''

He was being genuine, he was never genuine, she became worried. He noticed this.

Sherlock, like any human being, had one significant downfall, whilst he could maintain a straight face, letting light on nothing he was thinking about or planning, his voice, very often gave him away, be it when he was being arrogant, selfish, cocky, clever, hurtful. Every emotion he held came out in his voice. Molly could tell he was being genuine, whilst he remained rooted to the spot and was rattling off his way of saying sorry, his voice faltered, she could hear the hurt in it and it rendered her speechless.

He couldn't breathe, panicked and hurt he turned and headed towards the door, quickly walking out into the cool night's air, feeling it cleanse his lungs and calm his racing heart. He looked back down at her little house, set off the pavement level, the door remained closed, she would not follow him, perhaps once she would, but he believed now, she was past caring.

He walked back to baker street, trying to comprehend the mix of emotions that rattled through him. Placing them in their correct rooms of his mind palace, but everything was so jumbled, he was once so sure of himself, and now he was hardly aware who he even was.

S&M

''Im worried about him''

''Everybody worries about him, have you met the man?''

He sighed ''No, I mean I am genuinely worried about him''

Mycroft looked over to John, his presence was unannounced, he could see he was distressed. ''And what is worrying you so much about him John, his behaviour is never considered normal'' Mycroft leant over his desk, his eyes filled with curiosity and humour.

''You know full well what im talking about, you monitor him constantly'' John argued, watching Mycroft's confidence drop a level.

He sighed ''Eurus was excellent at tricking your mind, encouraging you to believe you were at fault and not what surrounded you, it was proven in her little challenge for us, however she also has another 'gift' which is seen less and felt more''

''What's that?'' John asked cautiously

''Bringing up emotions'' Mycroft replied regretfully

John remained quiet for a moment, it was no surprise that Sherlock was effected by his encounter with Eurus, John found himself recalling the men dying for no reason, his pounding heart as he watched Sherlock struggle to find the answer under a pressured timeframe, the ultimate challenge with the unspoken prize, the ability to save a life. And most of all, watching Eurus mercilessly kill people just to gauge Sherlocks reactions. ''Well its understandable. Sherlock finds out he has a long-lost sister and that she is a cycotic woman who killed his best friend as a child and set alight to his family home, you can't blame the man'' 

Mycroft grinned, shaking his head 

''What?'' John said with an offensive tone

''As always John you see but you do not observe. It is not what Sherlock endured that is bothering him, it is the revelations he has been faced with''

He ignored the insult ''Meaning?''

''It is what he had to admit that is troubling him the most, Eurus found out Sherlock's weakness within minutes, she used it against him and clouded his judgement, hurting him in the most spiteful way possible''

''Molly?''

Mycroft nodded, his reaction to the challenge was obvious, every other task proved to affect him so little, but that...'' He rubbed his fingers together before leaning back in his chair ''That troubled him, playing with somebody's heart who is already so devoted to him''

''But Sherlock already knew this surely, somebody that smart would figure it out?''

''Sherlock observes the facts, but he understands little emotion, he suppressed his emotions when his friend disappeared, turned him into a dog in his memory, pretending like nothing happened, as the years passed he supressed more and more, turning his intelligence in a different direction. Eurus sparked up emotions he had supressed for years, all in the space of a day. Of course, it has troubled him, but only he can fix it''

''Mycroft he is slowly going off the rails, if he goes back to drugs… well I wouldn't be able to help. Nobody would. He is going through cases quicker than I can read them. And when he isn't, he is locked away in his 'mind palace' sometimes for days on end, I have never seen him like this before''

''Neither have I'' Mycroft admitted ''But given what is troubling him nobody can help him but himself''

''So you cannot help him, you… with all your power and understanding, cannot help your own brother?''

''No, of course not. He is lost in the ruin of himself, my involvement will only confuse him more''

John looked at him and smirked ''You are something else, aren't you?''

''How so? I have only been involved in my brother's life when a case has arisen, or when drugs are involved, I have never, helped him with his 'feelings' He spat the word out as if it repulsed him.  
''Speak to Molly'' John said through clenched teeth ''Explain to her what happened, show her the tape''

''Sherlock has expressed not to tell her, he will when he is ready'' Mycroft sighed

''He needs her, more than he cares to admit, if she understands, perhaps things can return to normal''

Mycroft looked over to John and for the briefest of moments he felt sympathy, for he was staring at a man who cared deeply for his friend, who worried for his future despite not having to.  
''You think that is what he wants? To return to normal?''

John nodded ''He refuses to go to Barts, he will not take a case if the body is there, I can tell its driving him mad avoiding her''

''So why hasn't he explained to her?''

John remained quiet

''If he wanted everything to return to normal then he could just explain to her, show her the tape and make her understand, but he doesn't, because returning to normal would mean suppressing more of the silly emotions rattling around in his head and driving him more into the darkness of himself. No, what he wants is her. As boring as it may be. You heard him say it a second time, the tone in his voice and the way his eyes never left the screen, like a curtain being lifted and revealing the light'' 

''You expect me to believe he is in love with somebody who he has ignored and insulted all these years''

Mycroft nodded ''Supressed emotions, it's the only interacting he had ever had to deal with''

John sighed ''So what then, what do we do?'' 

''We wait'' Mycroft said calmly.

S&M

Sherlock looked at Barts hospital. The cars whizzing past, horns honking and people strolling along the pavement, admiring London or their phone screens.

Life kept moving, but he remained trapped in that moment. _I love you_ Her voice whispered in his head, causing his eyes to clench shut and his head to spin once more, he couldn't go on like this, it had been two weeks, if he was not to win her affection then he must earn her friendship back to save himself from complete insanity.

As he stepped into the front doors the smell of sterilization filled his lungs a familiar and almost comforting smell as he walked through the corridors, determination in his step as his coat billowed behind him.  
Of course, he could just go back to the drugs, to dull the pain and emotional torment, but something stopped him, something made him want to feel the torment and deal with it rather than hide from it.

He stepped towards the lab doors where she was probably sitting and working, her autopsies' usually ran in the mornings and afternoons, leaving midday for paperwork. As he stepped in, he lengthened his stride, faking his confidence and seeing her look up and scramble to her feet in shock.  
''Sherlock'' She said a little to quickly ''What are you doing here?''

''I have some slides I need to look over'' He held up a wallet type of pouch containing some old and boring slides, a viable excuse however to sit within her company and think.

She nodded and rushed off the set up the microscope, he walked towards her, she didn't look at him, not once, focusing intently on her work. ''There'' She said, glancing at him for a mere moment ''All ready''

He smiled and nodded, sitting down on the stool and pulling out a slide, watching her walk back towards her desk and continue with her paperwork.

He studied the slides, the silence was golden, just like before, perhaps he shouldn't say anything, perhaps leaving the past behind was a good idea, they could return to how they were before, he would be politer however.

''Sherlock?'' Her voice was quiet and calming, he didn't realise she had moved, and was standing beside him.

He looked up at her, choosing not to answer.

''Are you ok?'' She asked quietly

''Yes'' He lied ''Why wouldn't I be?''

''You have been staring at the table for 15 minutes'' She nodded towards a blank part of the lab table.

He sighed, no, returning to normal was not an option. ''Why would you think you do not count?'' He asked, turning to face her.

She frowned before remembering their conversation years before, right here in this very spot.

 _I know what its like looking sad when you think nobody can see you  
You can see me  
I don't count_

She hesitated, but given she no longer held any dignity to herself she figured it pointless to lie ''Because of the way you treat me Sherlock''  
He looked hurt ''How do you mean?''

''You ignore me, until you want something, or need my help, and then you manipulate me''

''Even now?'' He asked

She nodded.

He remained quiet.

''The phone call, can I explain?''

She shook her head, shutting down that conversation before it began ''I have forgotten it, I understand, it was an experiment, I do not wish to talk about it''

She turned to walk away ''I haven't'' He replied, stopping her in her tracks.

''Of course, you haven't, it was an experiment''

He stood and walked towards her, watching as her head tilted more and more to keep meeting his eyes, right until he was inches from her, bending down slightly and become more level to her face he shared that moment, for the first time in weeks he felt the silence, the quiet he had been seeking. He wanted to kiss her, he wanted to make her understand that it was not an experiment, that it was true, but now was not the time, she didn't trust him, he couldn't blame her.  
''No Molly, it was not an experiment''

She gasped, sucking in a breath so quiet he could hardly hear it, but it registered within him and awoke something, the compelling urge to grab hold of her, pin her up against the wall and prove to her just how much of what he said was true. ''Forgive me'' He whispered, still close to her face as his thumb ran along her jawline, savouring the feel of her silk skin.

She closed her eyes, treasuring the feeling before it disappeared, gone within a moment. He stepped away from her, smiling for the briefest of moments.  
''I cannot trust you'' She said sadly, watching his mood change ''You have hurt me to many times''

He nodded ''I understand'' He said calmly, unsure of how to register anything else.

Stepping back towards the bench he sat back down watching her do the same.

You must learn to walk before you can run. So surely you must trust before you can love.

Sherlock Holmes had a lot to learn.

 _ **Thoughts please, I have a slow burn type of plot in my head, but equally it could remain as it is. I don't know when to stop. Hope you enjoyed reading.**_


End file.
